Feeling like a Failure
Trigger Warning: This is not my happiest post. I kept proofreading and trying to make it happier, but eventually decided not to. A lot of us have been told repeatedly that we just need to stay positive, but it isn’t easy to do. Sometimes we have to be negative, and in this blog, I am honest, even though it is sad and negative.
To my fiance Devin, thank you for continuing to make life fun, even on the days where getting out of bed feels impossible.
Dear Cysters, Mysters, and Friends,
The time has come for another holiday that celebrates parenthood - Father’s Day. For me, Father’s Day is a tricky one because I never know ahead of time how it is going to impact me. This year, however, it is a reminder of failure.
During infertility, there is just so much to think about as a woman. Don’t do anything before taking your temp in the morning! Don’t forget to check if you’re ovulating! Did you take all your supplements this morning? What about your nighttime supplements? What cycle day are you on? What days should you shower this week so you’re clean for that OB appointment? Oh right, you can’t forget to write down all of the questions you have for that appointment. Did you eat enough fertility-friendly foods today? Did that one glass of wine just ruin our chances this month?
The list goes on and on and on. Because most of the pressure from society, lifestyle changes, questions, and procedures are put on the female partner, it can be surprisingly easy to forget that your male partner might be struggling too. If you read my last blog, you know that in May we had our first chemical pregnancy. After 2 years of trying, I felt pretty confident going into this month because I believed that if we did all of the same things, we would get pregnant again. So I worked out, ate the “right foods”, took my supplements, and tracked my hormones like crazy.
Unfortunately, there were some things this month that were out of my control. Our insurance company let us know that they would no longer be covering Metformin, which I take for insulin resistance, unless it was shipped to our house from a certain pharmacy. Because they let us know that once I was out of the medication, I was out of Metformin for two weeks, including our fertility window. In those two weeks, I gained back all of the weight I had lost. This made me nervous, but when my period didn’t show up on time, I continued to have hope.
Until yesterday. Yesterday, my period started a few hours after receiving a Big Fat Negative test result at the OB’s office. This negative hit hard for a few reasons.
Due to some other medical issues going on, we have to take a break from trying for kids for a little bit while we wait for some upcoming appointments and test results. This is a hard pill to swallow after 26 months of trying, grieving, and then doing it all over again. Knowing that this might have been our last chance for a while added more pressure to yesterday’s appointment, and while I had a feeling it was going to be negative, it still sucked to hear.
What hit me right away was the disappointment that I couldn’t make the phone call I was hoping to make yesterday. My grandfather is in the hospital right now in recovery from a surgery. I was very much hoping to lift his spirits with a phone call letting him know he was going to be a great-grandpa. Instead, I had to get in my car and make the phone call to my mom letting her know there was no baby this month.
Then, I had to come home and tell Devin. He always puts a brave face on, but all I can think about is how this is the third Father’s Day I have hoped to have better news for him. Three years in a row I have wanted to surprise him by telling him he’s going to be a dad on Father’s Day. But here we are.
No baby.
It’s hard not to feel like I have failed him. Since we started trying, we have watched our friends and family have close to 10 babies. Some people have had two full pregnancies in the amount of time we have been trying for one.
And it’s because of me.
People frequently ask me if Devin has been tested, and the answer is yes. His results always come back with no issues, which we are very grateful for, but sometimes it makes the process lonely for both of us. He tells me he feels helpless as he watches me go through the process each month. He helps me when I am in pain, goes with me to appointments, and does anything I ask without complaining. On the other hand, I have watched him struggle with the fact that our kids won’t get to grow up with some of their cousins because of the age difference. I have watched him be supportive of his friends who are on paternity leave. I have watched him sit in silence at family events and know it is hitting him that we are the only ones left without kids.
And it’s because of me.
My body has failed us over and over again and there is nothing that we can do at this point until somebody agrees to let us try something besides trying naturally. Even if the upcoming test results come back negative and we are cleared to keep trying for kids, we have been told we have to try naturally until December and then can come back in for a follow up. It grows increasingly difficult each month to watch him support me and not be able to give him anything in return.
I don’t really know what we will be doing this Father’s Day, but I am sure it will be some kind of family activity where yet again, Devin will be the only one not being celebrated. To me, he deserves to be celebrated the most. His persistence, his strength, and his determination to not give up, even when I am in some really dark places, deserves to be celebrated. Someone who wants to be a dad as much as Devin does should be acknowledged, and I can only hope that by this time next year, Father’s Day will look a little bit different for us.
While I don’t have any advice on how to cope with this feeling of failing your partner, I can tell you that it’s common to feel that way, even if your partner also has fertility issues. It’s okay to feel discouraged and it’s okay to think about what could have been. It’s okay to be upset that it isn’t your turn, or that things didn’t go right, but I encourage you all to continue to reach out to one another or myself. I encourage you to keep coming to events and talking about the stuff we go through each month, both mentally and physically. Society tends to want us to be positive all the time and and “keep our hopes up”, but sometimes I just don’t have the strength to do that. I know others feel the same way and I can only hope that I have given you all a safe place to land when it gets too hard to stay positive.
For me, our beach day on July 12th is a light at the end of a tunnel. At that point, we will have gotten our test results back, and no matter what they say, I am really looking forward to taking a mental break from the stress of infertility. I am excited to spend the day with you all outside and on the beach. After all, all of us have earned a day of relaxation, support from others, and lots of sunshine.
With love and support,
Madison Spears
